Home for the Holidays

Managed to pass all of my classes. Yay! I can't really believe it. But it was strange, I hit a point where I was doing so poorly in my classes that I just stopped worrying about them. Somehow it just miraculously worked out. I guess I just realized that I was either going to pass or fail and I just needed to get over it. It made the rest of the semester a whole lot less stressful.

I started a Julep monthly subscription, which means that I'm getting nail polish through the mail. It's a little crazy, especially since I think they just keep sending them to me. My account is under $50, stop selling me things that take money out of it! We'll see what comes in the next box. I didn't know that the next one would be coming so soon, or I would have checked what was going to be in it. I do like the last two colors I got, aparty orange and a navy blue. They are both lovely.

I had my box sent home so that it would be here when I got off the train. That's right, I took the train home. Sixteen hours two trains and nearly nine-hundred miles, but I made it. It was fine until my layover was delayed for more than an hour at the Chicago station. My Kansas City train was even five minutes early to Chicago and for that we were all punished. Union station is confusing as hell. That is the only reason, I think, that I prefer air travel. Air ports actually know what the hell they're doing.

Still I made it, it was 2am, but I made it. I was finally home for the holidays after that. We got to visit my grandmother at the hospital, she just had spine surgery. I got some falafel in Ann Arbor. A young woman on the train was talking about falafel, it made it necessary. We had some Christmas. I got two hammers and a pair of gloves. I got to spend a day with my bestest friend, and we saw Frozen. It was cute, but I'm kind of sad I saw it in theaters. The writing just wasn't all that it could have been.

Wildcats beat the Wolverines at the Wild Wings Bowl. Like there was any doubt. It was a great feeling to be on the winning team. EMAW!!

I am looking forward to the almost endless winter break.

Fire Won't Burn

The logs I bought at Walmart won't burn. And I have put considerable effort into making them. It's actually kind of sad. They might as well be made of stone. The box the logs came in burns better then they do, the damn thing even came with a super starter, but that only lasted about ten minutes before it went out. it was pathetic. After working through half of my weekend, I feel I deserve a decent fire, damn it. Nothing. I've even doused it in the strongest alcohol that we have, and still nothing. I am not happy.

Sugar Coma

After two long days of work it's nice to get to relax. The only problem is that I didn't move all day except to shove cookies and candy into my face. I've eaten so much sugar at this point that I think there are sugar crystals forming on my brain. It is the only explanation for the head aches. I've downed about 100 oz. of water at this point so I feel pretty confident that it isn't dehydration. Perhaps it's sloth biting me on the ass. did a little bit of laundry, made some vegetarian chili, watched two seasons of Tanked. It was an alright day.

Game Day

My legs hurt. Not just in one place, it's really more of an all over kind of thing. And I'm exhausted. 13 hours in one day for a part time job may be too much for me. I like my job at the stadium. I feel like I have an impact on peoples' experiences, and there is a certain level of pride in that. A smile and a good attitude can do more for improving someones day than you might think.

What do I want to do with my life? Yes I've been going to school for the last 3.5 years with a specific degree, I still don't know what I want to do. There must be something that I could see myself doing? I thought it was engineering, but I don't think I'm very good at it. I don't have the ingenuity for it I think.

If that's true, then I've already wasted so much time.

It's Tuesday... Yay!

It's just been one of those back and forth kind of days. I went from manic, to lethargic, to pleasant, to depressed and uncommunicative, back to pleasant. I'm in the pleasant swing still... clearly.

I got to talk to my mommy and my brother and my daddy. I am now convinced that my brother has to move out here with me. And it is only partly so that I don't have to move when my roommate gets married at the end of the summer.

This will be the second roommate that I've lost to marriage. What does that say about me? Am I so hard to live with that people see marriage as the only option to escape me? That seems kind of harsh.

I made some tasty meatballs and pasta the other day. I've been feasting on the leftovers since then. I'm pretty sure I haven't eaten anything else since I made it. That seems to be the way it always goes though. Make enough to feed an army, then eat what's left for the next three days. It is a rather practical system to me. Why cook every night when you can cook twice a week and have enough to eat for lunch and dinner in between?

I've been going to counseling on campus. I feel it's going well. When I stopped trying to hold up all the weight myself, it got easier to move forward. I've been letting all my failures and shortcomings crush me for too long now, and it was nice to at least pretend that someone is holding up the corner so I can crawl out from beneath. I like getting things done. I like getting things done. I like getting things done. Life is easier when I just do it. Life is easier.

I was crushed to go in the first time. It felt like another failure. It felt like I couldn't handle my own life, and that was almost as big a wound as all the stagnation and depression that was swirling around me. It feels terrible, at first, to think that you can't control your own emotional state, especially after having been standing on the edge of terrible depression for so long. It can be difficult to admit that maybe you need someone to take your hand, and pull you back.

I have difficulty opening up to people. Even here, where I can't see anyone's face, and you can't really see mine. My suffering is mine, and it is wrong to share it with others. It's mine and you can't have it. I don't anyone else to carry my emotional baggage for me. That's what it is that makes counseling so difficult. Admitting I need an extra shoulder to carry some of the weight. And even though I don't really open up to my counselor, I think, just the fact that he's there and willing to listen, helps a lot.

We'll hit stride for the evening with numb then.

Concrete Kills

Concrete is my least favorite class at this moment, and that's saying something. It's hard and uninteresting. I really don't like structures. I wish that it made more sense to me, but it doesn't.

I did get accepted to the Ohm Science paper. I'm very excited about that. I also submitted a story and a photo to the Touchstone Literary Magazine. I'm excited about that too.

I did actually start my homework though. Dynamics. I'm actually better in that class then concrete. It feels good to get things done. Now if I could just understand concrete then I should be good.

I went to the McPherson highland games last weekend. That was fun, I took lots of pictures. I got to play in the massed bands.

Deal with it

It is the weekend... That is all.

On It

Women are constantly paranoid about their periods. At least I am. I have never been  regular, so it has been hard to track. There's a few days of touch and go. Then usually when I'm the least prepared mentally and physically it strikes, like a tiger in the night. Nature's special 'blessing'.

Along with that great joy comes the acne breakouts and the water retention, and the weakened immune system, and the fatigue, and the mood swings... oh the mood swings. It's great, really. I recommend that all men try it at least once. Like the labor pain simulator that should be required for every sex ed class for every student male and female. You want to lower teen pregnancy and raise respect for women you get those teens strapped to a machine that makes you cramp so bad that you think your going to die, that'll help.

On top of the crazy hormone driven insanity I have three tests this week. Two are done, and poorly I might add, and one yet to go in the morning. I have little to no confidence in my ability to succeed. This is going to go really well.

I've had a lot of thoughts on my princess and the frog story. I've been doing a lot of shaping in my mind and I'm getting really excited about it. It always surprises me how the imaginative juices start flowing when I have several test to study for. I am the queen of inappropriate timing.

Wanning

I got about half way through the day before becoming unbelievably tired. I went to bed last night at, like, 10:30, so there's really no reason I should have crashed as bad as I did. I even went to sun rise yoga today. I should have been pumped. I ended up being just exhausted though. It was miserable.

I did get to talk to all the power affiliates at the power and light event at the engineering complex, though. That was nice. I even got to talk to Burns and McDonald, which is a major architectural engineering firm in the area. That could be a lot of fun working with them. They have a wide variety of projects, a lot like SmithGroup. It's not the national parks job, but it would probably be a good job. They don't have a Michigan office, though.

I suppose it's time to start really thinking about what I want to do with my life. I realized that I had no idea what I really want to do with my time. So, incidentally, I've been preparing to do damn near everything. Why else would I choose a degree that gives you at least a base understanding of all engineering fields? With an English minor no less. The only thing I'm not getting prepared with is a foreign language and that's only because I had to take circuits again.

I want to work as an engineer for the national parks system because it sounds like it would be fun. I'd get to see the country. I'd finally get to see the grand canon. And I'd get to leave a mark on the designs that go into the parks that I love. It is a great place to flex some environmentally conscious muscles. I dig that.

But what would I do? Like really do? I've been saying electrical design for so long that I almost believe that's what I want. But, I mean really? If I wanted to do lighting design SmithGroup would probably be the best place for me, they have one of the best lighting studios in the country. But I don't know if I want to do lighting.

I don't know what I want.

I want to have enough money that I don't have to know what I want and I can do anything. But that's not likely to happen.

I'm one best selling novel away from paying off my student loans and not having to feel obligated to follow through on engineering. It would be enough to feel validated.

I don't know what I want.

Working on it

I worked out this morning. I ran for a half hour and then did weights for another half hour. Needless to say I'm tired and sore, but not so much as I thought I would be. I went to the mentee donut outing on Sunday and ended up being one of the lost girls. None of my mentees showed up. It's a little depressing. I'm on the verge of setting out to track them. I already have the whole creepy stalker vibe, I might as well roll with it. I went to the book store and got a pile of books and a Clockwork Orange t-shirt. One of the books that I got was The Book of Knowledge. That should be helpful. I also got a magic book and a Star Trek book just to be well rounded.

Got my drawing done for design class. It wasn't as clean as I would like, but mine never are. I have terrible drafting technique. It is yet another one of the skills that everyone else seemed to bring in with them.

I didn't get either of the jobs that I interviewed for. I'm not terribly surprised. But I did get a good employee point at the stadium. So there's that.

Oh well.

New Post

I had two interviews yesterday. One for the sustainability office and one for a teaching assistant position. They both sound like fun. And neither of them are outside dealing with angry patrons for 16 hours at a time. This is important.

I also got assigned my list of mentees. I have five. Five freshmen girls to guide and interact with. This is going to be interesting. I actually did my homework, so I'm trying to set a good example.

This is all a little different. New positions, new people, new focus. It's terribly hard on my fragile constitution.

What the hell, let's try something new.

Rise and Shine

I finally got to go to sun rise yoga. It was awesome. Well it was good, and we can't expect more than that. I'm very tired now.

I also got to practice pipes this morning and afternoon. It felt good. I certainly don't have to do any ab workout. I need to actually work on my music so I can play something during my practices.

Still a bum. The only difference being I'm a bum that had classes today. Accoustics and Circuits. The circuits professor uses the same examples every semester. I hate having to take it again, especially since I was doing so well going into the final. I hate tests. Hate 'em.

Tired of school.

Sigh.

Frittering Time

I am a bum. I have been sitting doing next to nothing all day. I was one grocery stop away from not getting dressed at all. I feel pretty pathetic.

I did do some baking. 71 banana bread muffins. And I got to hang with my former roomie, which was nice. other then that I've been watching Firefly all day. I did however finish my yoga mat bag last night. It's nice, and now that the yoga class has actually started I can use it. I also spent part of yesterday playing with my large chest of make-up. I'm getting this smokey eye look down. Soon I may even go out in public made up. Finally, I vacuumed. I need to vacuum again.

I have some interviews this week, a school internship with the sustainability office, and a teaching assistant position. I'm excited about both. I'll probably get neither. But there's always the stadium. And that's not so bad.

Oh well.

Extend-a-Weekend

We got released from the game at 12:30am. It was rough. Even so there didn't seem to be any major catastrophes, except our team lost. But I can live with that. I packed about three pounds of snacks and they came in handy, especially with the first timers. It was so hot all day though. Even after it got dark it stayed hot. But I'm a light weight northerner so I have a bias.

The I spent what was left of Saturday after I woke up at noon, with my roommate and her family. They're nice, since they put up with me crashing their visit every time. It was a good day. It was still hot, though.

I'm getting the feeling that it will never stop being hot. I'm already over summer and ready for winter, not even fall, winter. Start dropping snow, I'm cool with it. I don't like 90 degree days for a solid four months. I'm just not built for that.

Today is vacuuming day, because it just is. Some things just have to be so, or they'll never get done. Today will also be laundry day, just for convenience. And since I have all of tomorrow off I'm not stressing about school work yet.

I think I'm going to marinate the last of the left over beef and do some kind of stir fry over rice. That sounds like a good idea. Then I can defrost my chicken. Yes...it's all coming together now.

Excellent...

Getting Out There

I got so much crap at the activities carnival. Cups, crappy sun glasses, overly specific note pads, Ramen... And now I'm going to be on every list serve. It's going to be a rough few weeks.

I also got accepted as a mentor for the women in engineering program. I felt that it would help me to get out more if someone was depending on me. And I need socialization forced on me. It should be fun.

First football game is tomorrow. It's going to be a long day. New stadium opening, good opponent, Friday.. it is going to be the longest game of the year I think.

Laugh more. I got a button at the carnival that says laugh more. It's a good  motto.

I practiced pipes this morning. It was good to be out playing, even though it was hotter the Hell outside. I don't think I'll have the option tomorrow with all that's going on. I walked through the part time job fair to the chagrin of my stadium supervisor and a wedding service asked if I had any cards. I do, but naturally I didn't have any with me at the time. Just my luck. So, I'm going to drop some off at their office. That's www.completewedokansas.com if you were curious. I've been trying to get into the weddings racket for a while now and it feels good to be slowly slipping my foot into the door.

Fist-pump!

Routine

I worked out this morning with my new workout buddy. It's nice of her to wake up at 5am to humor my need to feel "active". It's not like I'm not going to come home and made a huge greasy omelet and drink a sugary soda immediately after. This is why I don't become critical when I look in the mirror and tell myself, "You're fat." I know how I got here and I accept it. Anymore I'm just trying to maintain, not lose. But it really doesn't matter.

Next week the sun rise yoga class starts. It's going to be sweet. My work out buddy as already agreed to go with me. I'm going to see how many more I can scam into coming. That way it will be elbow to elbow in that tiny tiny work out room. But it does have floor to ceiling windows on the two east facing walls so we will actually be able to see the sun rising, which will be sweet.

I got to go to work orientation, finally. I've only been working at the stadium for the last three seasons. They resurfaced our lot and painted new lines, it looks great. I suppose since they tore a huge hole through it in the middle of last season they felt obligated. I think it's going to be a good year for football. The starting line up may have changed, but everyone is so incredibly pumped about the new stadium and the changed on campus that it doesn't really matter. My position patrolling the East-West corridor has become obsolete, so I'm a little concerned about where I'm going to be this year. I kind of want a stationary position. It may be boring, but there is less face time with it. I don't really like face time.

I have already been assigned legitimate homework, out of a book I do not yet have. I'm not too stressed, yet, though. Calm. Breath. It will be fine. All will be well.

Had more thoughts on some of my story characters. I've been thinking a lot about Star Trek. That is one where I have an interposed character. She lives indefinitely, like the guy from the original show that was Da Vinci and was trying to create a robot wife that would never die. Except except my character is a member of Star Fleet. She's an interesting character, but I really can't do anything with her without flirting the line of copy right, which I don't care to do. So she gets to be my own private plaything.

Back into the cogs of society.

Back in the Saddle

Day two of classes over and I decided this was a good time to take some me time. I have several blogs at this point, but none of them were about me. Not that I'm very interesting, quite the contrary really, but one can only play at being someone else for so long before they disappear entirely. So, here's me...

umm...

hmmm.....

I had acoustics today. I like the idea of sound. I feel that it is important to proper design, probably since I'm genetically and environmentally destined to be deaf. I think when you're are seriously see you're future being filled with utter silence you think more about the effects of the sounds around you. I think it should be an interesting class. Very important.

Even as I'm typing this I'm listening to music. Currently it is Joe Bonamassa singing The Ballad of John Henry. I heard it on the radio a few weeks ago and so I purchased it. It made me think of one of the characters from one of my stories. I finally had a solid picture of him in my head and that helped out my writing a lot. There are so many spots in that piece that are squishy and unformed at this point. I just can't seem to get back in to the swing of it, and it's only going to get harder now that school has started.

That's what I hate about this whole school thing. It keeps getting in the way of all the stuff I want to do. Like writing, and knitting, and watching movies, or just... you know... nothing. Being a bum just doesn't pay though. I unfortunately have too much potential to be a writer. And I don't think I could handle the suffering involved with being a successful author. I haven't been on the edge of financial collapse so I have no merit as a female writer, though there is still time. I could totally wash-out as an engineer.

That's not really an option at this point. I'm too deep in it now to do the switch majors three times thing that's suppose to be the statistical average. I don't really want to anyway. I think this semester will be better. This semester has to be better, I really don't have a choice. I have to stop being a bum and grow up.

Damn.